Simple Words

June 11, 2018

By: Georgina 

Be gentle with yourself.

All these months later I still have that stuck in my head. It’s been more than a year since I brought my suicidal thoughts forward to my lawteacher. That was in November of 2016. It’s now February of 2018. When I first started seeing my psychologist in that same November and she first brought up the idea of being gentle with myself. The first thought that came to mind was that she had to say that. I was convinced that it was one of those stupid, lame, stereotypical, cliché things that therapists say, but at that point in my journey of working on my mental health I was willing to try anything. I was so far down the spiralling sink hole, finding something to stop or even just slow down the pain I was constantly struggling to cope with was all I was desperately searching for.

Be gentle with yourself.

What does that even mean? Am I supposed to not carry too much around physically or mentally (and how do I even do that), or not push myself too hard if I’m doing anything physical? Should I let myself do or eat whatever I want even if that means becoming physically unhealthy, but just take the chance that it might make me feel better mentally. Is this entire process going to be trial and error and it might just turn out that nothing will work? If that’s the case then what is the fucking point in trying anything at all? If you had asked me that in November 2016 I probably would have said that there is none and that I really just shouldn’t bother. Now in February of 2018, almost 15 months later reflecting back, if I had a chance to go back and talk to myself when I was struggling to get out of bed every morning in grade 12 I have so much to say about those four words and how important they would become in my continual process of getting well and remaining strong in this battle.

Be gentle with yourself.

How am I supposed to do that when I have so much to do and so many things are keeping my brain going all the time? School, university applications, friends, self-esteem, the future, body image, making time for things I enjoy doing, work, extra-curriculars, family, money, dreams, sleep, homework, teachers, judgements, self-criticism, parents, sister, my non-existent love life, self-harm, my continual mental collapse and the inevitable fate that I thought I was destined for.

Tuesday, February 27th, 2018

Be gentle with yourself.

What the fuck am I supposed to take away from that? How is that supposed to do anything for me? How will that help me?

Be gentle with yourself.

So now I’ve gone from nearly despising those words and hating the way that they seemingly did nothing for me and didn’t help me, to writing it on my wrist in pen, practicing the permanence, because I eventually want to have it tattooed.

Be gentle with yourself.

How did I get here? What changed? What got me here and changed my mind about things that were happening and those four words that seemed so pointless when I first heard them?

Tuesday, March 6th, 2018

Be gentle with yourself.

Those four words have become such an anchor in my life and even though I know that I am not out of the darkness entirely yet, and that I may never be, this is one thing that is helping me to continue on and find a way to help myself through the hardest of times. Every single person on this earth is different. You are, in every sense of yourself, 1 in 7.6 billion and you deserve to live a life that allows you to feel the ultimate levels of happiness. You deserve to live a life where you are excited to wake up, live a life that allows you to do what you love. You deserve to have the right to choose to allow the people into your life that give you comfort and support, who care for you and make you smile, and who help you to achieve the dreams that you long for and are capable of in this life. The earth may be big and our lives may be short, but do not make it even shorter than it already is. As hard as things are right now, you will be ok. Life will change for the better and you are capable of so much. I was told that so many times before and I didn’t believe them, but I know now that they are true. I still have many things to learn on this journey and this not a battle that will end, but life and your future is worth continuing your fight for. Do not let people hold you back. Ask for help no matter how hard that may seem. There is a life at the end of the tunnel and there is a light (that you will become) that is worth living. Four simple words may not be what you need, but I honestly urge you to try any and everything that is recommended to you, because everyone is different and you don’t know what will best help you, until you try. For me Be Gentle With Yourself has become more than just something to help me when I am not able to manage, those words have given me the reason I didn’t think I ever had to take care of myself, they have become a life motto to me and they help to keep me on a path of recovery when I lose my way or can no longer see the destination of good mental health and stability that I am continually searching for.